You Just Need to Forgive (Part 2)

Read You just need to forgive (Part 1) first. In that post we deconstruct common language gambits used by abusers such as “You just need to forgive”.


So Andrew, you appear to be saying it’s OK not to forgive. If someone sins against you and they haven’t repented you don’t have to forgive them, is that right? But what about Mt 6:12 or Lk 23:34 or especially Mt 18:35?

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

What about those verses indeed? Forgiveness is God’s core business, so let us tread carefully. Let us see if we can find a way to help a person who has suffered abuse at the hands of another navigate this difficult path. Forgiveness is clearly a lot more than simply mouthing the words “I forgive you… I’m sorry I brought it up”. The question is how to get from here to there? How to move from a place of psychological and/or emotional trauma to “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”?

Some people can spend years trying to sort this out, and each person’s experiences, circumstances and journey is their own. Perhaps I can offer a few thoughts to help.

Motion towards forgiveness


Firstly, understand that the motion towards forgiveness is in itself an act of personal agency. Many people may feel that even one step towards forgiveness of a perpetrator is one step too many. But let’s reframe. The decision to begin motion towards forgiveness is something you are doing for yourself; it ultimately benefits you. And, yes, it’s the right thing to do too, but at the beginning helping oneself maybe all that we’ve got to motivate us, right?

Secondly, it is crucial to understand that it is not an additional measure of injustice to forgive a perpetrator. Rather, it can be a turning point in dealing with the hurt. It might feel completely counter-intuitive, but ultimately to forgive those who sin against us is the very best thing we can actually do. It is the wisdom of God, it is the example of Jesus, and it can be the moment that the door of the prison cell flings open. 

Learning


Thirdly, Jesus’ way is the way. He said:

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light (Matt. 11:28-30, NASB).

This is for all of you weary and heavy-ladened ones. Jesus invites us to learn from him. Learning is a process that can take a while – I mean how long did you go to school for? But when you graduate… you will find rest for your souls.. And don’t we all want that? You have to enrol in this learning process – that’s the taking on of the yoke part, but rest assured, the load is light.

Jesus is the one who is most concerned for your welfare. If you have encountered abuse in a church situation you may be thinking… “Well I don’t know about that… I feel like Jesus got me into this situation in the first place in that church of his”. Churches can certainly be awful places. Not everyone in church exhibits the true mark of discipleship that Jesus talks of:

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (Jn 13:34-35).

But if you can accept that Jesus is the one most concerned for your welfare, then he is saying the best thing for you to do is to forgive those who sin against you. “Rest for your souls” sounds pretty appealing. Notice that the actions of the other person are still called “sin” – their sin, or “debts” – their debts. Your forgiveness does not change or minimise that or their culpability. 

That servant

Let’s do a study of the parable of the unmerciful servant in Mt 18:21-35.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

This famous parable teaches masterfully on forgiveness. Peter, maybe having a frustrating day with someone,  asks Jesus how many times he has to forgive this person who is sinning against him. Evidently, Jesus has talked about this before to his disciples, so Peter is doing his best to put this new forgiveness teaching thing into practice, and reaching for the stars says: “As many as seven times?”

Jesus answers: “Not seven Peter. Seventy seven.” Or in some translations, seventy times seven. “You are out by an order of magnitude Peter”. That answer would instantly turn a light on in the mind of anyone familiar with the Torah. Let’s go to Gen. 4:23-24, where Lamech is boasting:

Cain and Lamech


Lamech said to his wives,“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;wives of Lamech, hear my words.

I have killed a man for wounding me,

a young man for injuring me.

If Cain is avenged seven times.

If Cain is avenged seven times,

then Lamech seventy-seven times

Same numbers right? What’s going on here? Well, in Genesis 1 and 2 we had an Edenic garden with no sin, no violence. In Genesis 3 we have the fall. Cain kills his brother Abel in Genesis 4. And now Lamech is totally out of control, wanting to visit vengeance on a disproportionate scale. Things are getting worse very quickly (5 generations), reaching the point that humanity’s thought-life was reaching the point that “that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time” (Gen. 6:5), triggering a deluvian reboot.

The avenging of Cain being talked about here is God’s promise to Cain to protect him even in the midst of punishing him for the murder of Abel. God promised he would avenge Cain’s death seven times over to anyone who would think of killing him. God has the right to punish sin, and the seven times multiple is a significant deterrent (see also Lev. 26:21). 

It’s worth remembering that Cain’s sin was not murder alone, but that he stepped away from care of his brother. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” is a rhetorical question from Cain, but that heart paved the way for self-justification of murder, for which actual justice was required.

Amplified vengeance and amplified forgiveness


So Lamech is twisting what God had said to Cain. Lamech is pursuing a path of amplified vengeance. Back to the parable, and we can now see that Jesus is flipping Lamech’s amplified vengeance into a teaching about amplified forgiveness. Any bystander hearing that story for the first time would have been jaw-droppingly indignant at the actions of the unmerciful servant – freshly forgiven an impossible debt of squillions, but in the next moment strangling his fellow servant for a measly hundred days wages. The fellow servants in the story were outraged also and reported the gross injustice to the master. The unforgiving servant was himself thrown into jail to be tortured until he repaid the original debt, which of course he would never be able to do.

Wrapping up

A few points here: 

  • Ongoing unforgiveness is a prison and is a kind of self-inflicted torture. Don’t lock yourself into one. If you do, you still have the key to get out any time you want.
  • The context in Matthew is about our relationships – in church or otherwise. It is good to remember we are our our brother’s keeper. If one persecuted you (e.g. are abusive), they are clearly way off the mark. However you can still be like Jesus, love them and pray for them as enemies (Mt. 5:44) as he taught.
  • God will take care of the justice part, and there will be justice (Mt. 18:5-6). Vengeance is not our job, it’s God’s job, and He does it perfectly in this life or the next. Jesus promises accountability for things people say to us, but also for what we say:

But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Mt. 12:36-37)

  • Forgiveness is really a letting go of the desire to execute our own vengeance. 
  • In the parable the forgiveness was for a debt. It is possibly helpful to remember that as we move towards forgiveness of another, what we are saying is that that person is a debtor to us. A debtor. They owe us something. They have taken (dignity, freedom, respect etc.) and have not repaid. They might not ever do it. The only thing we can personally control here is our decision to release them from that debt and in so doing free ourselves from the whole wicked contract.

I hope these thoughts are helpful for you in starting motion towards forgiveness. Difficult journey but a freeing one.

Part 3 of this topic is coming soon where we will look at how the Psalmists pour out their incredulous anger and pain to the God who seems far off. We will learn to lament.

You just need to forgive (Part 1)

You need to forgive and move on. Right? Or maybe it’s actually very wrong. Someone has said terrible things to you, accused you, treated you harshly, possibly spiritually abused you in a church setting and now you are being told to forgive your perpetrator, because, … you know, forgiveness is what Christians are supposed to do. 

This scenario has played out on more than one occasion . It’s common! So how to deal with it when it comes your way?

The first thing to recognise is that this kind of language is very simply an extension of the original abuse. It is a simple bid to excise the perpetrator from any repentance or restorative action. It’s a lot easier to trundle out these seven words than to perform any serious introspection. Hey, if it works five times out of ten it’s worth it. If it works one time out of ten it’s still worth it. Avoiding accountability for actions has a big payoff. 

But, holy smokes… the carnage. The damage. The destruction. The trauma. For. years. There is a very cynical, carnal, demonic play going on here. ‘If I can just put it back on them to grapple with their not so-well-informed notions around their need to forgive, I stand a pretty good chance of manipulating up a leave pass.” See it for what it actually is people. I hope this article fleshes out a framework for you to deal with these manipulative and abusive calls for “forgiveness”.

Even God can’t forgive without repentance.

God, who by nature is the very definition of love (1 Jn 4:8) requires atonement for forgiveness of the wrong to be possible. The gospel declares this price was  paid by Jesus on our behalf because we simply don’t have the readies. And from our part, we have to at least apprehend that fact and completely re-orient – otherwise known as repentance.  So, any idea of “forgive and move on” didn’t work with God, so perhaps it doesn’t need to work with you either.

If your brother or sister sins against you (Lk 17:1-5)

Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves.

“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!

The first thing to notice here is that Jesus is on the side of the stumbler. If someone causes a follower of Jesus to stumble (one of the little ones), Jesus takes detailed notice of that. He expects that this will happen, but he is extremely unhappy with the perpetrator. Drowning would be a better end for them. That is how Jesus feels about someone who causes another to stumble.

So, what to do about it? Well, here Jesus invites you to rebuke them, to turn them back. The language here is “what you are doing is not right”. If someone sins against you they have violated someone created in the image of God. This is an affront to the owner of the image, which is why the owner is giving the authority right here in this passage to rebuke the perpetrator. Your job then is to forgive, if they repent. It’s conditional. “If” is a conditional word. This is what Jesus is saying. Until they repent, they are owing a debt.

Further to this, Mt 18:17 encourages us to point out to the perpetrator their sin against you:

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Mt 18:15-17)

The Biblical advice here is to go and point out their fault. This is language such as: “when you said/did x to me you have sinned against me/acted unlovingly/were harsh with me” etc.

Again, Jesus sets the expectation that this may not work the first time, but at least you’ve said it. 

Step two is to take one or two others with you for a second encounter. You are revisiting the same charges in this meeting as this still an unresolved matter. If still unresolved, go wider again to the community. If still unresolved you are under no obligation to fellowship with them or be near them. Hopefully church discipline will come into play in solidarity. 

All very well in theory I know. But what if this person is a spouse or a church ministry leader of some kind and it’s not so easy to get away from them? There are no simple answers here. You may have to leave for a time, but get good, trusted advice before doing that. There is a consistent teaching here on the importance of speaking directly to the perpetrator and stating their specific sin. This of course can seem like an impossibility, the cost of the blow-back might seem too high. Perhaps write a short letter. Again get some trusted advice if you can. Shouldn’t be this hard of course but toxic situations are not absent in churches unfortunately.

Restitution

Restitution is a very clear concept found in the Old Testament. Exodus 22 talks a lot about this concept.  For example: 

Anyone who steals must certainly make restitution, but if they have nothing, they must be sold to pay for their theft. (Ex 22:3). 

Wow. This restitution thing is hard core. There is no getting away from it. Sell yourself if you have to, perhaps you will learn not to do it again.

In Leviticus, restitution is linked with their guilt offering. So, someone has stolen or extorted something, or lied. They must make restitution- pay it back plus 20% on the day they present their guilt offering. This action pre-supposes repentance. You are not going to accept the responsibility and cost of the guilt offering if you have not repented. And you are not going be able to simply “go quietly” with hush money. You have to publicly declare you acceptance of personal wrong-doing AND make restitution at the same time if you are the perpetrator.

While we are in Leviticus it is worth noting that if you kill an animal you must pay restitution. If you kill a man, you must be put to death. (Lev. 24:21). This goes to the point of the gross offence of laying a hand on the Lord’s image-bearer noted above.

This concept continues on in Numbers:

The LORD said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites: ‘Any man or woman who wrongs another in any way and so is unfaithful to the LORD is guilty and must confess the sin they have committed. They must make full restitution for the wrong they have done, add a fifth of the value to it and give it all to the person they have wronged. (Num. 5:5-7).

Again notice the link between wronging another person, confession and admission of guilt by the perpetrator, full restitution plus damages to the person they have wronged.

What about Matthew 5? (And Matthew 6, and Matthew 18)

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Mt 5:14-15)

See also Mt 6:14-15, and Mt 18:21-35 – Parable of the unmerciful servant.

It could be argued, and likely has been argued, that restitution, public confession and so forth are Old Testament teachings that no longer apply, and that now, in the New Testament, you “just need to forgive” 490 times.

Yet, somehow that interpretation doesn’t feel quite right now does it? So, where are the Scriptures and what is the argument in the New Testament then?

In 1 Cor 5:10-11 Paul is dealing with the case of the unrepentant man who is sleeping with his father’s wife while happily continuing in fellowship with the church. This is a bridge too far as Paul writes:

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. (1 Cor 5:9-11). 

But Paul, shouldn’t you be forgiving this person? Well, apparently not. What he is advocating is that any one inside the church claiming to be a brother or sister, but sexually immoral, greedy, idolatrous, a drunkard or a swindler don’t need to be in that fellowship. Why? Because they will cause harm. Reputational and/or actual harm.  The required action is for them to repent, and the clear withdrawal of fellowship helps them to move in that direction.

You’re just bitter.

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Heb. 12:15)

You bitter trouble-maker you. Your bitterness will defile many it says. But maybe your unresolved feelings are not the same thing as what this passage is talking about. Manipulators are great at performing sleight-of-tongue pivots on words. Watch out for that. 

The previous verse has just been saying:

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. (Heb 12:14). 

If Heb 12:15 is to apply to you, then Heb 12:14 applies to them right? Is every effort being made here to live in peace and be holy? Every effort? Any effort? Is there unholiness going on here? 

As to what the bitter root actually is, see Deut 29:18:

Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the LORD our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison.

So unless you are actively in the business of worshipping other gods and luring others away to do the same, your feelings of deep injustice don’t really meet the Heb 12:16 criteria.

In your anger, do not sin. (Eph 4:26)

You shouldn’t be angry you know. It’s not Christian….

Except for the fact that the founder of Christianity got angry over justice and abuse issues himself:

When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!” His disciples remembered that it is written: “Zeal for your house will consume me. (Jn 2:13-17)

You guys shouldn’t be doing this here. Get out!

 He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. (Mk 3:5)

I want to heal this guy and you don’t.

God got angry too (Heb 3:10-11)

Sometimes anger is warranted. Just don’t get there too quickly:

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (Jas 1:19-20)

Jesus cares about injustice, because he is God and that is God’s heart too.

Back to Ephesians 4 now. The full passage is:

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. 

and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:25-32)

So many points here:

  1. Again the need for truthful feedback, although difficult, is clear (4:25).
  2. In your anger do not sin is a quote from Ps 4:4. It speaks of trusting God and deep reflection. Must get to the point of control over the anger. Not even passive aggressive speech needs to pass your lips.
  3. Don’t let the sun go down. Don’t let it fester. Deal with issues promptly. Same day if possible. (Eph 4:26)
  4. Don’t give the devil a foothold – best done by keeping accounts short and using frank communication. (Eph 4:27)
  5. Actual repentance is required, on everybody’s part. (Eph 4:28). 
  6. Watch the speech! What people say is important. If there is abuse coming your way that person is in violation of this verse. The command here is to build others up not tear them down. But same goes for you too (Eph 4:29)
  7. This kind of stuff grieves God. It’s serious. (Eph 4:30)
  8. Get rid of the bitterness and the rage, the slander and the malice.Get rid of it. Again, if it’s coming your way, the fault lies with perpetrator. They need to deal with whatever sinful motivation is producing this kind of behaviour. (Eph 4:31)
  9. What relationships should be looking like: kind and compassionate. Everything else is an aberration. (Eph 4:32).

A final word

Jesus was deprived of justice, he knows what it is like:

In his humiliation he was deprived of justice.

Who can speak of his descendants?

For his life was taken from the earth. (Acts 8:33)

 Nonetheless the cornerstone of his kingdom is justice:

But about the Son he says,

“Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever;

a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;

therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions

by anointing you with the oil of joy. (Heb 5:8-9)

What we are looking for here from abusive perpetrators is repentance that leads them to want to see justice done.

See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. (2 Cor 7:11).

So, the next time you are expected to “just forgive” an unrepentant, gain strength and conviction from these Biblical teachings. Rebuke calmly and frankly. God is on your side.

Next: You Just Need to Forgive (Part 2)