- You Just need to Forgive (Part 1)
- You Just Need to Forgive (Part 2)
- You Just Need to Forgive (Part 3)
Fresh thoughts about following Jesus
You just need to forgive (Part 1)
You Just Need to Forgive (Part 2)
Let’s just say for a moment that I can see your point about forgiveness. That’s all very well and all very logical. I’m just not sure what to do with my white-hot rage, that’s all.
This is a real problem. We humans are complex beings, capable of acts of the tenderest love and yet also the most unspeakable cruelty. James is right – this should not be (Jas 3:10).
Yet it happens. People in churches can get badly damaged, and in a way that can be very difficult to repair. The sorrow, grief, loss and anger can take life over.
Have you ever noticed the difference in degree of uncomprehending anguish between people who have suffered the loss of loved ones in a natural disaster as against those who have suffered loss at the hands of another human being? Losing a loved one to a murderer, or corrupt building code officials, or a drunk driver is far more traumatic. And the greater the intentionality behind the taking of the life, the worse it is. There is just something about one image bearer suffering at the hands of another that puts into an especially awful category. This we should bear in mind as we try and find a way back from such things as spiritual trauma and abuse.
The Hebrew Bible grapples with this. The Jewish people are not unacquainted with unjust abuse – brick-making in Egypt (Exodus 5), exile in Babylon (2 Kings 24), years long siege (Jeremiah 52). You know things are bad when people start eating their children (2 Kings 6). They are supposed to be God’s people right? Yet really bad stuff happened to them. How did they deal with all of that, how did they cope?
They wrote songs. Laments actually. There are more psalms in this category than any other. There is a whole book called Lamentations. There are laments in other books too (2 Samuel 1, and most of the prophets). Lamenting is a big part of the Bible and the ancient Hebrew culture, yet not much of a feature in the culture of Western Christianity these days, if ever.
Psalm 5 is one:
OK God. It’s me. Please listen. It’s my cry for help. I’ve figured out my exact request about this situation and I’m mailing it in early. Looking forward to your reply.
It helps me to remember that you are not thrilled about this either. You God are on record about righting wrongs. You hate it. You are dangerous to be around for anybody who wants to harm someone.
But you’re letting me in. Haven’t been in your house for a while, but let me revere you nonetheless. Show me the way God. Build me this road to your door.
Can’t seem to get these people out of my mind. Here I am, thinking of them again half way through my prayer. Ratbags! Liars! Can’t trust a thing they say. Judge ‘em God.
This is better. “Refuge” sounds nice. I could do with some of that. Won’t be singing those blues no more. Help me to remember that you want to protect and bless me. Sure hope that blessing comes my way.
The Psalmist is pouring out pain. No sugar-coating. This is exactly how the Psalmist feels. Sometimes it’s not very pretty, and that’s OK, God can handle your darkest thoughts. Pouring the pain out is part of the healing process.
Here’s a doozy:
(Psalm 137)
Captors. Tormentors. Sing us one of your songs! Don’t know why I even brought the stupid harp. Anyway I chucked it. it’s hanging from the tree now.
But. Jerusalem. There is a place of God still. Long way away right now, but I mustn’t forget it’s there or else I’ll completely lose hope.
Can you believe what our scumbag brothers did? Totally sold us out. That was the lowest act of all.
You know how I feel about that episode? It’s right there in the text. Happy is the one who… Really not pretty I know, but that should give you an idea about how I am feeling about all of this. Best I can do right now is to let someone else deal with the injustice. You really don’t want me nearby doing anything.
Many have wondered what Ps 137:9 is even doing being in the Bible. It’s not surprising Boney M didn’t record that last verse! Well it is in the Bible, and so we must try to understand why. It’s not neat and not clean and not shiny and not sweet-smelling, but then neither is real life a fair bit of the time. And God understands that. So this is an invitation to express your deepest darkest pain to him. He can handle it. And if you doing it in prayer that’s ok. Much better here than face-to-face with somebody right?
A lament is an invitation to connect with your darkest unspeakable thoughts and get them out – to God. You are not a machine with an emotional on-off switch. God knows that. So he provides this way to wrestle with the pain so that you can be made whole again. Your emotional ocean-liner will slowly turn about.
Romans 12:12 says:
What kind of crazy advice is this? It’s guidance for hard times. Suffering could be with for some time, you are going to need patience. You will need to pray – pouring our your pain, and you are going to need to hang on to hope grounded in the promises of the one who mad you. Like this, there is a chance of moving the needle.
For further study:
Psalm 3, 5–7, 13, 17, 22, 25-28, 32, 38, 39, 42, 43, 51, 54-57, 59, 61, 63, 64, 69–71, 86, 88, 102, 109, 120, 130, and 140-43
Brad E. Creech, The Dark Night of the Soul – A Walk Through the Darkest Psalm, 2022.
Read You just need to forgive (Part 1) first. In that post we deconstruct common language gambits used by abusers such as “You just need to forgive”.
So Andrew, you appear to be saying it’s OK not to forgive. If someone sins against you and they haven’t repented you don’t have to forgive them, is that right? But what about Mt 6:12 or Lk 23:34 or especially Mt 18:35?
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
What about those verses indeed? Forgiveness is God’s core business, so let us tread carefully. Let us see if we can find a way to help a person who has suffered abuse at the hands of another navigate this difficult path. Forgiveness is clearly a lot more than simply mouthing the words “I forgive you… I’m sorry I brought it up”. The question is how to get from here to there? How to move from a place of psychological and/or emotional trauma to “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”?
Some people can spend years trying to sort this out, and each person’s experiences, circumstances and journey is their own. Perhaps I can offer a few thoughts to help.
Firstly, understand that the motion towards forgiveness is in itself an act of personal agency. Many people may feel that even one step towards forgiveness of a perpetrator is one step too many. But let’s reframe. The decision to begin motion towards forgiveness is something you are doing for yourself; it ultimately benefits you. And, yes, it’s the right thing to do too, but at the beginning helping oneself maybe all that we’ve got to motivate us, right?
Secondly, it is crucial to understand that it is not an additional measure of injustice to forgive a perpetrator. Rather, it can be a turning point in dealing with the hurt. It might feel completely counter-intuitive, but ultimately to forgive those who sin against us is the very best thing we can actually do. It is the wisdom of God, it is the example of Jesus, and it can be the moment that the door of the prison cell flings open.
Thirdly, Jesus’ way is the way. He said:
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light (Matt. 11:28-30, NASB).
This is for all of you weary and heavy-ladened ones. Jesus invites us to learn from him. Learning is a process that can take a while – I mean how long did you go to school for? But when you graduate… you will find rest for your souls.. And don’t we all want that? You have to enrol in this learning process – that’s the taking on of the yoke part, but rest assured, the load is light.
Jesus is the one who is most concerned for your welfare. If you have encountered abuse in a church situation you may be thinking… “Well I don’t know about that… I feel like Jesus got me into this situation in the first place in that church of his”. Churches can certainly be awful places. Not everyone in church exhibits the true mark of discipleship that Jesus talks of:
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (Jn 13:34-35).
But if you can accept that Jesus is the one most concerned for your welfare, then he is saying the best thing for you to do is to forgive those who sin against you. “Rest for your souls” sounds pretty appealing. Notice that the actions of the other person are still called “sin” – their sin, or “debts” – their debts. Your forgiveness does not change or minimise that or their culpability.
Let’s do a study of the parable of the unmerciful servant in Mt 18:21-35.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
This famous parable teaches masterfully on forgiveness. Peter, maybe having a frustrating day with someone, asks Jesus how many times he has to forgive this person who is sinning against him. Evidently, Jesus has talked about this before to his disciples, so Peter is doing his best to put this new forgiveness teaching thing into practice, and reaching for the stars says: “As many as seven times?”
Jesus answers: “Not seven Peter. Seventy seven.” Or in some translations, seventy times seven. “You are out by an order of magnitude Peter”. That answer would instantly turn a light on in the mind of anyone familiar with the Torah. Let’s go to Gen. 4:23-24, where Lamech is boasting:
Lamech said to his wives,“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for injuring me.
If Cain is avenged seven times.
If Cain is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times
Same numbers right? What’s going on here? Well, in Genesis 1 and 2 we had an Edenic garden with no sin, no violence. In Genesis 3 we have the fall. Cain kills his brother Abel in Genesis 4. And now Lamech is totally out of control, wanting to visit vengeance on a disproportionate scale. Things are getting worse very quickly (5 generations), reaching the point that humanity’s thought-life was reaching the point that “that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time” (Gen. 6:5), triggering a deluvian reboot.
The avenging of Cain being talked about here is God’s promise to Cain to protect him even in the midst of punishing him for the murder of Abel. God promised he would avenge Cain’s death seven times over to anyone who would think of killing him. God has the right to punish sin, and the seven times multiple is a significant deterrent (see also Lev. 26:21).
It’s worth remembering that Cain’s sin was not murder alone, but that he stepped away from care of his brother. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” is a rhetorical question from Cain, but that heart paved the way for self-justification of murder, for which actual justice was required.
So Lamech is twisting what God had said to Cain. Lamech is pursuing a path of amplified vengeance. Back to the parable, and we can now see that Jesus is flipping Lamech’s amplified vengeance into a teaching about amplified forgiveness. Any bystander hearing that story for the first time would have been jaw-droppingly indignant at the actions of the unmerciful servant – freshly forgiven an impossible debt of squillions, but in the next moment strangling his fellow servant for a measly hundred days wages. The fellow servants in the story were outraged also and reported the gross injustice to the master. The unforgiving servant was himself thrown into jail to be tortured until he repaid the original debt, which of course he would never be able to do.
A few points here:
“But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Mt. 12:36-37)
I hope these thoughts are helpful for you in starting motion towards forgiveness. Difficult journey but a freeing one.
Part 3 of this topic is coming soon where we will look at how the Psalmists pour out their incredulous anger and pain to the God who seems far off. We will learn to lament.